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Grieving when neurodivergent
Episode #70 Grieving When Neurodivergent - Janet Roper
Content warning: This episode talks about death, dying & grief
Disclaimer: Each of us experiences grief differently. What I am sharing in this episode is my personal experiences and the understandings that have come to me with the death of cat Raven. It is not meant to advise or counsel you. I am simply sharing my story with you.
The podcast is available on most platforms. If you prefer to read instead of listen, I’ve included the script below. Thank you for listening, supporting, subscribing and sharing!
SCRIPT
Welcome to True Kinship with Animals where we believe we all do better when ALL creatures do better. I’m your host Janet Roper and on this podcast you hear stories, conversations and suggestions on how you can begin to dismantle your connection with colonized influences so you are able to deepen your relationship with animals and move towards true kinship, one animal at a time.
Thank you for engaging with this podcast by listening, subscribing, sharing and making a financial contribution or shopping my wish list. Your participation makes my work sustainable and is ever so much appreciated! To support my work, you’ll find links on the show page or visit janetroper.com
True kinship with animals is a practice that embodies community, connection and engagement with like-minded folx, who, just like you, believe animals are kin, not ‘just an animal’. That’s the basis of this podcast and my teaching program Kindred. Kindred is an on-going subscription based program that helps you move towards true kinship with animals as you practice unhooking from the colonized expectations and unconscious beliefs that we get socialized into.
Monthly themes are presented through written and audio offerings, then expanded through community and conversation.
With Kindred:
You are participating in a supportive community as you discover your authentic way to be in true kinship with animals.
You are normalizing what you learn so it becomes your way of life.
You are engaging with your animal kin in their agency and from your agency.
Does this sound like something you’ve always wanted?
Check Kindred out on my site at janetroper.com and I’ve included it in the links on this show’s page for your convenience.
Content warning: This episode talks about death, dying & grief
Disclaimer: Each of us experiences grief differently. What I am sharing in this episode is my personal experiences and the understandings that have come to me with the death of cat Raven. It is not meant to advise or counsel you. I am simply sharing my story with you.
Hail Raven the traveler
On Solstice this year, Raven passed away. Raven lived well and he died well, on his own terms. His death wasn’t unexpected, but even so, it felt unexpected and to some extent it still does.
So while I’m living a new normal, it’s neither usual nor normal, it’s arbitrary and startling.
Through my decades of work I’ve shared much with you on death, dying and grief. You’ll find articles on my blog and episodes on the podcasts. You’ll find links on my website janetroper.com under Listen & Read. The link is included on this show’s page for your convenience.
Raven is not the first animal family member I have death walked - as a matter of fact he’s the latest in a long line. But this time around a couple of new dimensions presented themselves regarding Raven’s death and my grief.
The first one is the many tentacles of congruent grief I’ve been encountering.
I have no idea if congruent grief exists as an officially recognized term, but that’s what I’m calling it. By congruent grief I mean different areas of grief that are emerging as extensions caused by Raven’s death, adding layers to my grief.
So not only am I grieving the loss of a long time companion and partner in work, I’m also navigating:
Raven is the last of my animal family. At its largest (and what still feels normal for me) was 3 cats, 2 dogs and a horse. I don’t know if I will adopt another animal family member, but if I do, they won’t be part of that original animal family
Raven’s death is a closure to my life and connection in MN. I love MN and there are ways I stay in touch, but no longer through the tangible, physical animal family members who left MN to come to MT with me
I am questioning if it is time for me to be “single” again with no animal family. It feels bizarre to even say that out loud, but the reality is I’m an unattached aging white woman and I’m experiencing the consequences of what that means in a colonized, patriarchal society.
It’s bittersweet for sure, but I’m sensing a freedom to being single. I no longer have to worry about if something happens to me, who will take care of the animal family members? If there’s an emergency, how will we get to the vet? I have to admit, there’s a relief and a peace of mind in not carrying those worries and anxiety. Still, it’s definitely unsettling and it challenges me to consider how I’m to show up in the world ‘animal-less’.
So that’s one new dimension to grief I’ve been facing and sitting with.
The second is accepting who I am personally. In the past 3 years or so I have realized and for the most part, gratefully accepted, I’m neurodivergent. That realization goes a very long way to explain who I am, how I am and how I show up in the world!
If you’re not familiar with that term, Harvard Health Publishing says , “[neurodivergent] describes the idea that people experience and interact with the world around them in many different ways; there is no one "right" way of thinking, learning, and behaving..…”
As a neurodivergent, my brain is wired differently from 80-85% of all other people. This means I have differences in social preferences, ways of learning, ways of communicating and/or ways of perceiving the environment.
That has really hit home as I’m grieving Raven’s death and embracing my neurodivergency as it plays a role in that grief.
For example:
I am not pushing through the grief to get over it so I am “healed”. That’s never been a grief tool I have used or depended on. But with Raven’s death, I am sitting in attendance to the grief, even as I am grieving Raven.
What does that look like for me?
It looks like staying with, nurturing and tending the pain I feel. To name and embody the pain and to respond in (what’s been working for me) a measured, slow pace
It’s practicing engagement with grief, learning how to be in uncomfortable relational tension while seeing that as a necessary self care practice
It’s accepting it as ‘my’ grief, personalizing it while at the same time recognizing that death and grief are a part of life and are happening every minute of every day
It’s planning ahead to how I’m going to respond when one of Raven’s IRL delivery friends will be here and Raven won’t be here to greet them.
It’s knowing and accepting that when Raven’s ashes were returned on a late afternoon, I literally was not able to do anything that day but wait for him to return home
It’s taking the time that’s needed - not the time I think it should take or the time it usually takes - to prepare and participate in everyday life activities
And sometimes it’s stopping everything so that I can witness the skill and expertise the driver of an 18 wheeler uses as they back up around a corner.
As I said at the beginning of this podcast, this has been my personal experiences and the insights that have come with the death of Raven, and are not meant as advice or counsel for you.
That said, grief is meant to be done in community. It’s a fallacy promoted by settler culture that grief is to be done alone and hurried through. When it comes to grief, you need what you need, your deceased one needs what they need and grief needs what it needs. It’s not one size fits all.
I encourage you to begin building your grief community before you need it. Search for like minded folx who are able to sit with you as you are grieving who won’t try to fix you grief or take it away. Look for folx who are able to witness your grief and who can help you hold it when you need that help.
Start with like minded friends and family, and local resources - like your vet, humane societies and rescues.
If you’re looking for online community, check out my program Kindred. It’s not grief centered, but it is made up of like minded folx who believe animals are kin and we do talk about grieving animals.
Here’s an invitation for you to join me and other kindred spirits on this path of true kinship with animals. My work is devoted to helping you show up in the world for animals from the fullness of your authentic self. I hope this encourages you to look at your relationship with animals differently so that a new place of understanding begins to open for you.
If you enjoy and/or benefit from this podcast, become a financial supporter. Your financial support makes my work sustainable and allows me to continue providing you with the guests and life changing information you hear on this podcast. Supporting my work by making a financial contribution or shopping my wish list at janetroper.com shows your appreciation and is greatly welcomed. Thank you for your continued support and for listening to this podcast!
Just for today remember: We all do better when all creatures do better. Until next time, take good care!
Show Links
Harvard Health Publishing Neurodiversity
Janet Roper
…..is an animist, podcaster, intuitive practitioner and mentor identifing as she/her/hers currently living on Salish land in Montana.
For 30+ years Janet has facilitated clear conversations between animals and people. In her work she encourages people to expand their bond with animals by disengaging with hierarchical approaches and relating in true kinship.
She is cheerfully owned and managed by one cat, Raven, a multitude of angel animals and several houseplants.
“We all do better when ALL creatures do better.”
The more subscribers in this space, the more expansive and effective this work becomes. Consider becoming a paid or free subscriber.
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Sending lots of love your way 💛